Well here we are.
For you, dear reader, this hasn’t been that long of a journey. Especially if you are binge-reading all of these now. For me this has been a year long labour of excitement, fear, hilarity, uncertainty and comical.
I am sitting past the security check at YYZ (for you travel noobs *scoffs*, that is the Toronto Pearson Airport). I left my dear mother at the baggage area crying her eyes out for her dear little pudgy boy who is off to unknown adventures. Scouring the globe for something. I admit that she made me cry as well and if any of you know me, I fucking hate to cry. It seems useless in front of people. I like a dark room, candles lit, some Bach organ music blaring and me, blubbering into my silk throw pillows and my negligee barely covering my heaving bosoms. THAT is the scene for crying. Everything else is just useless.
There is a lot I want to get out of travelling. I am not just going to waste this opportunity away to learn and to enjoy what the world has to offer as I am an observer. It is really fucking exciting to do that. I have not done a lot of travelling in my life, but I want to devote my life to travelling and learning. What more satisfaction can one get from life? I’m sure a lot. But this is for me.
One of the greatest things I want to come from travelling is opening up my heart. I want to meet people from everywhere and allow myself to be open to them. I can be, and really have been, a cold heartless motherfucker. I can be rude. I can be hostile. I can be fucking c*nt and that has had a huge effect on the people I’ve met briefly (and for my long time relationships). In my line of work (opera), people don’t want to hang out with me after the shows. I am not sought after for friendships or BBQs after the shows. I am a good time during the shows, sure. I am definitely good for a sassy, bitchy one liner when working with others, but that is it. I have watched as my friends around me continue to be friends with people we have all worked with and I sit and see it all happen. Why is that? Because they weren’t an asshole like me. Where does this come from? It can come from my shyness at meeting people and instead of being awkward, I tend to lean towards to absurd. Wow…what the fuck is that. And, of course, it is also because, genuinely, I am an asshole. I love making comments and having the one liners. They are fucking funny. But it is not for everyone and when you don’t know me, it seems cruel. I am hoping to leave that behind. To be who I am. To be sensitive and open, but still keep a tiny bit of asshole. We all need an asshole to let the shit out, right?
I don’t know exactly how I feel about travelling to Thailand. I have been thinking about this for a year. For everyone else, this is relatively new. When people ask, “Are you excited?” I honestly don’t know. I was and then I’ve had a million emotions since then so maybe when I land in Thailand it will become exciting again.
Last Will & Testament:
Just in case I die in an airplane crash or some other fucking way that will probably be embarrassing, I am using this as my Last Will & Testament.
To my family: I give you my incredible debt. Student loans, personal line of credit, credit card, and whatever else. You think it’s big (and it is) but you have no fucking idea how much it really is. Enjoy. I also leave you my beautiful son, Hansel (my cat). He will love having you as his parents.
To Marlon: my collection of DVDs…I guess. And my clothes.
To Autumn: my opera literature and whatever opera scores you need.
To Midori: any opera scores as well (YOU AND AUTUMN PLAY NICE). Also my singing bowl. Create a shrine of me around it. Thank you.
To River: Opera scores as well. (I have so many). You may also have any fun knick-knacks that you find left behind from me.
To Callie: my booze.
That’s it. That’s all I have.
I really appreciate anyone reading this. It is a lot of fun for me to write and just express my thoughts that otherwise stay in my mind and never get out or are forgotten. I don’t think anything will come of this, but if a few people have a good laugh or take something away it will all have been worth it.
I am on my way to the plane now to sit uncomfortably for 24 hours of travel time.
My Big, Fat, Gay Trip 