I can’t believe it is already 20 days until I leave for Thailand. I am really excited to go, but I find myself looking for excuses not to go because of fear. Fear of being in a new country (and not just somewhere like the United States which is just below me) I AM GOING TO THAILAND TO LIVE. It’s wild. Every time I feel sick, I keep thinking “Oh, I hope I have a flesh-eating disease so I don’t have to go.” OR “Fuck me, this is the end, I got too fat so I should stay home and get TLC in my home to film “My 200 and some odd lbs life” and scream at my family who want me to change while I rub donuts on my nipples and drink Crisco. I say 200 and some odd lbs because I have not gotten on a scale in years. Not because I don’t want to tell you. If I had to guess…it would be 260lbs? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll check now? Okay….wait for me here. I’ll be right back…maybe.
Oh fuck me. I am not 260lbs. I’m 300 lbs. WHAT THE FUCK. It’s okay…I’m okay……….but like…..WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? I’m not okay. I know it’s a number, but that is a new number and one I never thought I would get to. But it is just a number. And I know that if any one I knew told me that was their weight I would not bat an eye or think “holy fuck” so, I should give myself the same love and self-respect. Is it something I am proud of right now to be 300 lbs? Not exactly. Do I want better for myself? Yes. I would like to breath properly. And even though it is just a number of where I am right now, it is a good way to check in and see where my body is at. Oh dear reader, this is how committed I am to being honest and open to you. I have never checked my weight in probably 4-5 years on a scale.
There is a reason I have decided to blog today it is because I just randomly checked my flight from Detroit to Incheon and saw that some the seats with extra legroom are up for sale. There is a seat I would like that does not have a seat in front of it and the arm rest that borders my seat and the next one is closed off so that my fat will not spill onto their seat. The seat is also in an exit aisle. So one of the criteria of sitting there is to not need a seat extender. I am worried to death about that. I don’t know if I need it and there is next to no information about seat belt sizes from Delta Airlines on their website. I have had to use blogs and posts and threads from other plus size beauties that have travelled to inform myself of belt sizes. It is scary. And it infuriates me that people who are “normal” sizes don’t have to think about this. And not even that, but that it LITERALLY NEVER ENTERS THEIR MIND AT ALL. It’s not even a subconscious thing. What a wonderful fucking thing to experience.
I am fat. But I don’t consider myself too fat for an airplane seat. However, maybe this is a reality check. I measured my lap span and I seem to be able to fit the 18 inches in the seats but it’s that fucking seat belt. I was recently on an Air Canada flight from Calgary to Portland, Oregon and it was a smaller plane. The seats were also small and for a minute I didn’t think I would get my seat belt on. I was so scared and embarrassed and worried. I didn’t know what would happen. It really sucks to have to think about this shit. I recently went to Cedar Point in Ohio and I couldn’t go on any of the roller coasters. It was so embarrassing. I wanted to cry. I never had that happen before. So now, I’m scared this plane ride will be just like the shitty ass fucking Cedar Point experience.
I don’t want to workout and put myself in front of shitty ass men and women (ESPECIALLY MEN) at the gym who watch me as my gut flops to and fro much like the tits of the women they covet at the gym. It seems defeatist. Now, I know it shouldn’t feel that way to be healthier, but it does. I feel like I am caving in to society and their standard of beauty. Just when I am slowing loving myself and my body, I have to change it because I am scared that I can not fit into a goddamn plane. MAYBE OOOOOOH!! MAYBE I can start an airplane company where only fat people are allowed to fly!! That seems so much easier than eating healthy (aka disgusting fucking salads) and working out. Like, way easier. Only time will tell which will come first!
In summation: being fat is scary. I guess I will have to be defeated and workout. I just want the best experience possible in Thailand (and travelling in general) instead of putting thousands and thousands of dollars into this amazing trip only to have a horrible time because I was too stubborn to work out and eat healthy. Ugh!!!! IT FUCKING SUCKS.
My Big, Fat, Gay Trip 